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Just a thought

31 Oct

Calling women bitches should fall into the n word realm. If you’re not a woman, and not my girl, don’t call me it. Otherwise we have beef.

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5 Ways to deal with a person who got dumped and won’t stop crying

17 Apr
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I just had to include this picture

A few months ago I shared my wisdom on how to get over a breakup. With the passage of time I’ve realized that some people are less capable of getting over a broken relationship than others. I’ve also realized that some friends don’t have as much patience with sulking than others. I therefore present you with 5 surefire ways to help you deal with someone who got dumped and is now dumping on you.

1. Just listen

But don’t really listen. If it’s past week 10 of the breakup, I think you owe it to yourself to stop trying to give advice and listening to every word the dumpee is saying. Realistically, at this point you’ve said everything you need to say and have heard everything you need to hear. Therefore, you should feel free to think about what you’re going to have for dinner while occasionally nodding and mmm hmmm-ing during the conversation.

2. Distractions

At the end of a relationship, you may find that some people revert to an adolescent-like state where they lose their ability to think rationally and only seem to want to cry, eat, and sleep. I’ve found that the best way to deal with this regression is with distraction. Almost like waving keys in front of a crying baby, but not really. It’s more like waving movie tickets or a bottle of wine.

3. Become super busy

Say yes to overtime, develop a sudden interest in volunteering at the animal shelter, and maybe even help someone move. Or you could just lie about being tight on time and spend your Sundays in your sweats watching Keeping up with the Kardashians. What ever works for you, no pressure.

4. Top their ridiculousness and manipulate them

Caring for a person who got dumped can be very draining and can seriously compromise the relationship you have with them. In order to balance the scale a little, I would suggest taking this opportunity to completely freak out about something stupid like not getting that parking spot you were eyeing, or losing at Roll up the Rim to Win (which can actually seriously be very frustrating). Not only do you get to blow off some steam, but you also manipulate the other person into the role of caregiver as they try to calm you down before you cause a scene.

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C’mon big money, mama needs a new car!

5. Get old fashioned

If you feel like the above mentioned advice is too sneaky and risky, just get really drunk with them and join in on the bad mouthing of their ex. That’s always fun.

20 reasons I don’t want to relocate from Canada to the U.S. with my boyfriend

15 Jan

Roots canadaIn attempts to win an argument that has been going on for far too long, I decided to state my case in list-form.

  1. The money isn’t colour-coded plastic. It’s going to take me like 3 more seconds to know what bill I want.
  2. Canada outranks the U.S.A. as the best G20 country for women.
  3. I will never again be able to ask to borrow a loonie or toonie.
  4. I won’t have the option to readily put my kids in French immersion. It wouldn’t be fair for them to not have to agonize over that stupid French R the way I had to.
  5. It’s too much work to convert Celsius to Fahrenheit, and litres to gallons. Not to mention having to unlearn adding the ‘o’s in flavour, neighbourhood, and colour.
  6. Speaking of flavour, they don’t have ketchup-flavoured chips. And poutine is foreign. Did your head just explode?
  7. The cars don’t have daytime running lights. True story.
  8. I would constantly get speeding tickets (wait for it…yeah, you got it).
  9. Beavers are more comically relieving than Eagles. Eagles are all serious and shit. Like really, just calm down, you’re a bird.
  10. There are a lot of people in the States. I’ve gotten used to my space and my population density, thank you very much.
  11. I don’t want to pretend to be interested in football. Pretending to be interested in hockey is enough (yea the NHL strike is over…  ._.)
  12. “You down with O.P.P” by Naughty by Nature will no longer have the innocent association with the Ontario Provincial Police.
  13. American geography is a whole other ball game. Dude, there are 50 states! Compare that to 10 provinces and 3 territories. Nope, can’t do it.
  14. I don’t speak American, whatever that is.
  15. My chances of being sued (or alternatively being convinced I need to sue a pharmaceutical company for a sudden change in gait) would go up 200%.
  16. It’s just weird to be able to buy beer and ammunition at a Wal-Mart. Doesn’t seem very safe and well-thought out. Hot dogs and car parts at Canadian Tire? Much better.
  17. I have a feeling I would be more compelled to change my name to Stephanie, and I don’t want to have to do that.
  18. Tim Hortons.
  19. This video.
  20.  Just do what I say, ok?

Sometimes being a chick sucks

21 Nov

One time I was late for my fitness assessment lab and I had yet to change. So I ran across campus, jumped over a fox eating a squirrel, dodged some serious goose poop and sprinted into the basement of Bethune college into the nearest change room. I ripped off my clothes and threw on my shorts and Lions t-shirt; panting as I ran through the lab door. I made it to my seat 30 sec before the start of the lab when a guy walked in, stood next to me, took of his sweatshirt and track pants and changed into his gear in front of everyone.

I hated that guy.

20 ways to get over a breakup

16 Nov
  1. Deactivate your Facebook (and other forms of social media) and stop ‘inadvertently’ looking at pictures of your ex.
  2. Buy Hagen Dazs.
  3. Cry. Cry loudly and unapologetically.
  4. Now that you’ve cried, go for a walk or run and feel free to curse at all of the stupid couples. Think of it like this: you just got a head start on what is doomed to happen to all of them. Suckers.
  5. Listen to JT’s Cry Me a River. Dance a little and sing into a hairbrush/microphone.
  6. Listen to anything by Adele.
  7. Work out. High intensity activities such as tennis, squash and whack-a-mole do well.
  8. Remember to breathe.
  9. Paint your nails in a semi-ventilated room.
  10. Think about all the times you’ve ever been hit on, even if the responsible party was drunk (it still counts).
  11. Spend time with your friends, alcohol and a lot of pasta.
  12. Swear. Swear a lot.
  13. Get a haircut to purge and redefine yourself.
  14. Play with your dog. If you don’t have a dog, borrow someone else’s.
  15. Get dressed up to go check your mail. Do your nails (again), brush your hair, and get out of sweats, even if it’s for 5 minutes.
  16. Watch a movie alone. You won’t have to share your popcorn or licorice.
  17. Clean your house.
  18. Take a bubble bath.
  19. Sit in a park and imagine people tripping and rolling down a hill.
  20. Google cats.