Archive | November, 2013

My Beef with Bollywood

18 Nov

Bollywood’s cool in small doses, but sometimes it just gets under my skin. Especially lately, so let’s rant about that today.

This is my beef with Bollywood, in no particular order.

Age Gap

Why are there always old men paired with young women? Most of my favourite actresses from the past never came back after marriage and kids, while their former colleagues are gyrating with women that could be their daughter. I call buckwas.

Um, that’s your daughter in law, dude.

Recurring Plots that Reinforce Female Passivity

Boy likes girl, girl doesn’t like boy, boy harasses girl incessantly. Girl looses will power and energy, marries boy, has his babies and lives an uneventful life.

This great lesson is taught to our boys and makes them think that singing to me when I walk by and staring at me on the bus is appropriate when it’s actually annoying and creepy. So stop fucking doing it, it’s not going to work.

Reaction GIF: When someone tries to cut into the queue at Starbucks

It’s Called an Umbrella and Staying Inside

No one dances in the rain in a white sari. Stop making it seem normal and giving boys boners every time there’s a chance of precipitation.

Rated A for Awkward

There are no ratings for Bollywood movies so you are forever anxious that a love scene or song is going to take a dark turn into soft-core porn when you’re watching it on the big TV in the living room with your dadi and dada.

GIF: Kajra Re - Bunty Aur Babli

Horny Chulbul Pandey! That’s all

P.S. A sari is not supposed to look like a bra and a sarong. You’re not going to the beach, you’re at a wedding, Kareena Kapoor. Also, Akshay, you forgot to do up 5 of your buttons on your shirt. How embarrassing for you.

Drama

Bollywood can be a tad dramatic at times.

Music

The songs are just horrible these days, auto-tuned, sung off key, and full of sexual innuendos.

Bollypop Movie Summary in a GIF: Zanjeer - 2013

Why am I sitting here? I Got Shit to do, mang!

The movies are way too long (especially when they’re on cable and have ads). That 8-minute song where the guy is singing to the girl but then it turns out he was just imagining the girl…what the hell! I want my life back!

English Vinglish

The thing that annoys me the most about Bollywood movies is all the English in the dialogue. “Tension muth lei, yaar”, “Voh ek dum sexy lugti hai”, “Arrey BLOODY BASTARD!”. If you’re going to swear, please swear in Hindi so I can at least improve my vocab.

But then I watch stuff like this and it takes me back to my childhood, and then I don’t care about anything anymore.

Bollywood Zombie Outbreak Survival Plan

P.S.

Aamir Khan is the best Khan, all you SRK lovers can suuuuuuuuuck it!

Reaction GIF: When you know that winter is finally over!!

 

Why you mad bro?

Thanks to Bolly Pop for the GIFs. Not that you gave me permission or anything. Just be cool, man. Be cool.

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