Archive | April, 2013

5 Ways to deal with a person who got dumped and won’t stop crying

17 Apr

I just had to include this picture

A few months ago I shared my wisdom on how to get over a breakup. With the passage of time I’ve realized that some people are less capable of getting over a broken relationship than others. I’ve also realized that some friends don’t have as much patience with sulking than others. I therefore present you with 5 surefire ways to help you deal with someone who got dumped and is now dumping on you.

1. Just listen

But don’t really listen. If it’s past week 10 of the breakup, I think you owe it to yourself to stop trying to give advice and listening to every word the dumpee is saying. Realistically, at this point you’ve said everything you need to say and have heard everything you need to hear. Therefore, you should feel free to think about what you’re going to have for dinner while occasionally nodding and mmm hmmm-ing during the conversation.

2. Distractions

At the end of a relationship, you may find that some people revert to an adolescent-like state where they lose their ability to think rationally and only seem to want to cry, eat, and sleep. I’ve found that the best way to deal with this regression is with distraction. Almost like waving keys in front of a crying baby, but not really. It’s more like waving movie tickets or a bottle of wine.

3. Become super busy

Say yes to overtime, develop a sudden interest in volunteering at the animal shelter, and maybe even help someone move. Or you could just lie about being tight on time and spend your Sundays in your sweats watching Keeping up with the Kardashians. What ever works for you, no pressure.

4. Top their ridiculousness and manipulate them

Caring for a person who got dumped can be very draining and can seriously compromise the relationship you have with them. In order to balance the scale a little, I would suggest taking this opportunity to completely freak out about something stupid like not getting that parking spot you were eyeing, or losing at Roll up the Rim to Win (which can actually seriously be very frustrating). Not only do you get to blow off some steam, but you also manipulate the other person into the role of caregiver as they try to calm you down before you cause a scene.


C’mon big money, mama needs a new car!

5. Get old fashioned

If you feel like the above mentioned advice is too sneaky and risky, just get really drunk with them and join in on the bad mouthing of their ex. That’s always fun.


Things that irritate me

2 Apr

1. Those stupid hard plastic packages that break all my good scissors and make me bleed. Why make it so difficult to open a pack of freaking light bulbs?

2. When people aren’t conscious of themselves. I know I can be freakishly introverted and aware of things going on around me. I’m not asking you to be as observant as me, but please at least be aware of when you’re stepping on my foot or about to walk into me.

3. People who mistreat or disrespect others because of what they are wearing, what they are driving, or what they do for a living. Haven’t you learned anything from Pretty Woman?

Don't touch it, it's a trap!

Don’t touch it, it’s a trap!

4. The way my iPhone autocorrects all my cursing. Ducking Apple.

5. People who stare shamelessly. From now on I’m just going to wave at you frantically and pretend like you’re a long lost relative until you feel as uncomfortable as you made me feel.

6. Highway 410.

7. How I always have to throw out soy milk because I can’t finish it in time. Stupid lactose intolerance.

8. Getting duped into thinking I’ll be comfortable wearing low-rise skinny jeans to dinner. Thank God for tights and jeggings, I hope they never go out of style.

They're like sweatpants with less of the shame

They’re like sweatpants with less of the shame

9. When I notice a typo on my blog or Twitter and have to switch from my phone to my computer because mobile editing is too complicated and eye-straining.

10. Wearing glasses and being too lazy to learn how use contacts.

11. That too many women are preoccupied by a fear of getting fat. I can name three scarier things: rape, bankruptcy, alien invasion.

12. That my blog has just become a bunch of lists. I should rename it because this is just false advertising.

13. Indian Standard Time. I can’t get it right, and always show up to weddings all dressed up and ready to eat while they’re still vacuuming.

14. Walking all the way downstairs, being distracted by something, and then walking back upstairs only to realize I actually went downstairs for a reason.

15. Getting all pumped up and ready to do my run to realize my iPod is about to die.

16. Getting all pumped up and ready to do my run to realize I forgot to bring my socks.

17. Waking up early on a weekend because I think I have somewhere to be.

18. Waking up late on a weekday because I think it’s Saturday.

19. Forgetting which side my gas tank is on and having to restart, reverse, and re-park my car. Then I have to stand there filling up gas like an ass while everyone stares at me.