Archive | January, 2013

Procrastination

27 Jan

I don’t know, lately I haven’t been able to really sit down and focu- http://www.facebook.com

The best “That’s What She Said” ever

23 Jan

Before I get into the best ‘That’s What She Said’ ever, I feel like I need to give you some background information in order to contextualize my inappropriateness. The first thing you need to know about me is that I love the T.V. show, The Office.

Despite my exterior aura of perfection and maturity, I have two major and interconnected personality flaws. The first is that I cannot sit still for long periods of time, and the second is that I cannot keep quiet during these agonizingly long moments. This is especially true if I am expected to remain still and quiet.

I am the person who shifts in her chair during lectures, and incessantly and annoyingly shakes her leg or taps her pen during an exam. And if there is a situation where I need to remain quiet and respectful, my mind will continuously try to sabotage me by thinking of things to laugh about. Let me tell you, I have been a complete d-bag at Remembrance Day ceremonies because of this. I am not proud of myself.

So it’s not surprising that when I was in graduate school, attending conferences was the bane of my existence. Just think about it: large, acoustic auditoriums, full of people I highly respect and want to emulate and who I need to remain professional in front of should I ever choose to have a career in health research. And in the form of a faint blur in my peripheral vision, is my supervisor who is watching my every move.

The bane of my existence

The bane of my existence

So I am sitting in a lecture on exercise-induced capillary angiogenesis at the Metro Toronto Convention Centre. It is hour 3.5 of the 8-hour day; the last talk before we stampede towards the cafeteria for complimentary lunch and coffee. The speaker: a well-known and well-respected researcher in the field of exercise physiology.

I am seated in the back row with two of my (male) labmates on either side of me. I am squished between them and I want to push them away so I can slouch in my chair with my legs open. I don’t know why I wore this stupid skirt.

I’ve looked at my watch 83 times already and am now counting the number of hairs on the head of the balding gentleman in front of me.

I faintly hear the presenter.

“The hemoglobin saturation has been found to be associated with-”

Twenty five, twenty six, twenty seven-

“-as demonstrated in randomized control trials-“

Thirty one, thirty two-

“With significant changes in angio-angio-angio-angiogenesis. Phew! That was a mouthful, wasn’t it?”

I sit up straight in my chair, losing place in my counting. Did I hear that right? This is too perfect.

“That’s what she said!” I whisper loudly, tapping my labmates on the knee. “That’s what she said! That’s what she said!”

Then the wide-eyed and red-faced giggling ensues. I feel good for breaking my research friends from their torture. We quiet-laugh so hard we might pee our pants. The remaining .25 hours fly by and we high five on the way to lunch. My supervisor shakes her head at me.

I avoid making eye contact with her for the rest of the conference, but it is totally worth it.

20 reasons I don’t want to relocate from Canada to the U.S. with my boyfriend

15 Jan

Roots canadaIn attempts to win an argument that has been going on for far too long, I decided to state my case in list-form.

  1. The money isn’t colour-coded plastic. It’s going to take me like 3 more seconds to know what bill I want.
  2. Canada outranks the U.S.A. as the best G20 country for women.
  3. I will never again be able to ask to borrow a loonie or toonie.
  4. I won’t have the option to readily put my kids in French immersion. It wouldn’t be fair for them to not have to agonize over that stupid French R the way I had to.
  5. It’s too much work to convert Celsius to Fahrenheit, and litres to gallons. Not to mention having to unlearn adding the ‘o’s in flavour, neighbourhood, and colour.
  6. Speaking of flavour, they don’t have ketchup-flavoured chips. And poutine is foreign. Did your head just explode?
  7. The cars don’t have daytime running lights. True story.
  8. I would constantly get speeding tickets (wait for it…yeah, you got it).
  9. Beavers are more comically relieving than Eagles. Eagles are all serious and shit. Like really, just calm down, you’re a bird.
  10. There are a lot of people in the States. I’ve gotten used to my space and my population density, thank you very much.
  11. I don’t want to pretend to be interested in football. Pretending to be interested in hockey is enough (yea the NHL strike is over…  ._.)
  12. “You down with O.P.P” by Naughty by Nature will no longer have the innocent association with the Ontario Provincial Police.
  13. American geography is a whole other ball game. Dude, there are 50 states! Compare that to 10 provinces and 3 territories. Nope, can’t do it.
  14. I don’t speak American, whatever that is.
  15. My chances of being sued (or alternatively being convinced I need to sue a pharmaceutical company for a sudden change in gait) would go up 200%.
  16. It’s just weird to be able to buy beer and ammunition at a Wal-Mart. Doesn’t seem very safe and well-thought out. Hot dogs and car parts at Canadian Tire? Much better.
  17. I have a feeling I would be more compelled to change my name to Stephanie, and I don’t want to have to do that.
  18. Tim Hortons.
  19. This video.
  20.  Just do what I say, ok?

15 things to do rather than real work

5 Jan
  1. Roll up all your change and cash it in at the bank.
  2. Count your eyelashes.
  3. Watch re-runs of shows that you’ve already seen and could recite the dialogues for. Fresh Prince marathons work well.
  4. Try out a new hairstyle.
  5. Instagram stuff (like pictures of your food).
  6. Pull out an old game console and play a game you’ve already beaten several times. Personal favourite: Super Mario Brothers for Super NES.
  7. Create your own superhero. Don’t forget to consider their super powers, childhood trauma, downfall, and subsequent character growth.
  8. Learn how to play chess. If you already know how, try the 3-Dimensional kind.
  9. Clean your bathtub.
  10. Reorganize your wallet so that none of the people on the bills are facing each other. This keeps them from making out when you’re not looking.
  11. Try to do the splits.
  12. Cheat at solitaire.
  13. Read this blog.
  14. Write this blog.
  15. Think of something clever to put down for number fifteen.

Happy New Year

1 Jan

I find I am most enlightened after a good mental break down.  Here’s to tomorrow.